Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Horrible Little Things

A ray of sunshine falling softly across your coverlet. The warm, throaty giggle of a baby. A single chrysanthemum, just starting to bud.

WWW.YAWN.GOV. I’ve had enough of the “take time to appreciate the little things in life” talk. Because let’s be honest, the little things in life SUCK. It’s the big things in life that make life worth living, like earning $95,000 a year right out of college (me), being the new face of Chanel (guilty), and running around NYC in beyond-fabulous high heels to all the hip new restaurants dating a series of good-looking men except for Mr. Big who sucks while your only responsibility is ONE column a week. ONE. (Carrie Bradshaw.) The little things—and especially the little, recurring things, like phone bills—are what suck the joy and hope out of my existence.

Here are ten little things that make MY life truly horrible:

  1. The sight of someone holding a clipboard, standing firmly in the middle of the sidewalk, and smiling at you from half a block away. If you’ve lived in a big city, you probably have a Pavlovian response to this kind particular stance. I have faked cell phone calls (who hasn’t?), leapt into moving traffic, and taken elaborate detours a la Spiderman to avoid these people, who are usually trying to save whales. They combine slimy salesmanship with heavy-handed morality (how can you say no to THE WHALES?) and they cast a dark cloud of agony and despair over the rest of my day.
  2. Blood blisters. Fairly harmless, but 1000% more disgusting than a regular cut. I was helping my friend move out of her house, dusting happily, when I hit my finger on a nail. I looked down and saw blood welling out of the cut…UNDER MY SKIN. Like a lake of hideous, trapped lava. The subdermal blood kept growing and spreading across my finger and I had to run to the sink to avoid projectile-vomming all over my friend’s empty and (formerly) clean house.
  3. When you’re trying to get a sample at Whole Foods and some old woman is standing there eating all the samples. YOU’RE the skinny young starving artist, YOU deserve to stand there and eat all the samples. Especially the cheese. And what goes better with cheese than…
  4. OLIVES! Why does Whole Foods never sample olives? TRICK QUESTION! The olive bar is free. (Wink.)
  5. When people in Whole Foods try to throw off your groove by yelling at you to step away from the olive bar. I can’t help my addiction. Would you tell Lindsay Lohan to step away from the crack? I rest my case.
  6. When you’re trying to steal something and the cops are all “put your hands in the air” and up in your grill and stuff. Hellooo, I just wanted to take that cute little baby home and read it stories and give it the gift of literacy! What’s the big deal?
  7. When you’re stuck inside a world you hate, when you’re sick of everyone around (TM Simple Plan).
  8. Friends who think that your friendship somehow gives them an immediate, close, personal, meaningful, slightly romantic connection with your boyfriend. Ladies, you know the type. How annoying is that? Just because you and I occasionally get coffee doesn’t mean the three of us are going to start cuddling and drawing up plans for a vacation house hidden deep in the hushed, verdant forest. Getcha own damn boyfriend.
  9. People who criticize your musical taste when their own musical taste sucks. If Frederic Chopin wants to rise from the grave and tell me to turn off that Ludacris shit, I’ll listen to him. But don’t be all “I can’t believe you like the new Britney song, you lowbrow crackhead” when Ne-Yo is blasting from your car. Because I will judge you back. And you will feel it emanating from my eyeballs. Then you will wonder if I am Cyclops from X-Men, and I’ll tell you here and now, the answer is NO, if I was Cyclops I could never hook up with Wolverine, I am clearly Dr. Jean Grey, and if we’re talking about Spiderman than I am clearly Mary Jane.
  10. Earrings that swing up and hit your eyeballs when you run. When it comes to earrings, I say go big or go home, but I have this one pair that I got for 99 cents when I worked at Forever 21, and it’s like wearing a pair of beautiful, glamorous nunchucks. Nunchucks that have souls. Nunchucks that have been hired by the mafia to take out your eyes.

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