Friday, July 9, 2010

Find Your Soulmate HERE!

Single and sulky? Tired of the same old bar scene? Stacey's mom turned you down? Don't worry, friends, I've compiled a fail-proof list of ripe, nubile young things--ERRRHMM, I mean, eligible and pleasantly youthful hotties for YOU TO DATE.

Soulmate #1: A cute, short, blonde girl I saw running along Lake Michigan. Lemme tell you something - this biddy is FAST! I used her to set my pace (they call them "rabbits" in track), and while she probably thought I was a stalker, at least you know she can run away from rapists and kidnappers! No more wasting your precious time worrying about your girl's safety. Last spotted: Running south on Sheridan.

Soulmate #2: The pharmacist at my CVS. True, I may have referred to him as a "kindly-looking, doctorish-seeming Indian man," but on returning to the pharmacy several times, I have realized that not only is he a very hip dresser and a very savvy pharmaceutic, his words are sweet sweet honey to my ears: "I just faxed it over for you. I'll call you when it's ready. You don't have to do anything." OH BABY! Last spotted: The CVS by my office.

Soulmate #3: Any of the friendly, hippie, talkative cashiers at Trader Joe's. Ladies, you know you want a man who likes his pecans seasoned with rosemary, but who isn't afraid to wear Hawaiian prints with cargo shorts. The perfect blend of sophisticate and homegrown rustic, a Trader Joe's Man looks great on anyone. Plus, they flirt with everyone, from the hotties to the notties to the oldies. Gotta respect the equal-opportunity flirt! Last spotted: The best ones lurk at the Trader Joes on Ontario!

Soulmate #4: A homeless person. You got out of your last relationship because you were in a rut, things were boring, you weren't moving forward. A homeless person is guaranteed to bring that long-lost spark back into your life. Perfect for those suffering from a midlife crisis! You'll be kept on your toes by exciting new odors, creative ways of utilizing plastic bags, and hot-off-the-press copies of Streetwise. You can play the "What Did He Take From My Apartment This Time?" game, or spice things up by canoodling next to the doorway of 711. Last Spotted: On State Street, holding a sign that says "My Girlfriend Was Captured By Ninjas."

Soulmate #5: The bagel MILF in Evanston. This prime candidate for your affections has the heart of a lioness and the bagel-making skills of a really great bagel baker. True, she's a little stingy--"Would you like one slice of cheese, or two? That'll be an extra 35 cents."--but one person's miser is another person's blushing bride, am I right? Her luscious gray locks cascade alluringly around her wooden peace-sign earrings. Last Spotted: On Dempster.

Soulmate #6: A sexy cowboy.

Last spotted:
You don't find him. He finds you.

(c) Tori: Enabling Stalkers since 1901.

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You are truly great.