Wednesday, July 21, 2010

How To Have a Heart Attack ASAP

Sorry I haven't written anything lately. I've been feeling very bitter. And when you're bitter, it's hard to be funny (see: stand-up comedy).

Thankfully, I was able to channel my pain into great art, and I stand before you today with a never-before-seen excerpt from my new book, Bitter Water, Bitter Bread: A Memoir.

1. Major in writing, but make sure you interact--on a daily basis--with those who cannot.
2. Live in a city that smells really disgusting in the summer.
3. Work on a block that smells ESPECIALLY disgusting in the summer.
4. Live right around the corner from the grossest smelling alley in the history of the WORLD.
5. Have lots to do, but make sure you forget your planner whenever possible.
6. Have this totally bizarre quirk where you notice things like oh, the word "children" is misspelled on this very important piece of literature. Make sure--I repeat, make sure--that the mistake lingers on and on without being corrected even though you've mentioned it five billion times. This kind of nitpicky perfectionism is guaranteed to increase your risk of a stroke by 105.6%.
7. THEN WRITE A STUPID BLOG POST. Make sure you tag it "genius original work."
8. Eat lots of potato chips until you burst.
9. Dream about cockroaches.
10. Rush onto the set of Transformers 3, filming right around the corner from your office, and fling yourself onto a pile of "fake" explosives.


  1. Numbers 1-2-3-5-6-8-9-10 are covered on my end.

    To do list: Move near a stinky alley and entitle a blog "genius" then I'll have completed the Tori-list.

    By the way, how can a word like "children" get misspelled?

    Side Note: My bizarre quirk - ask people how many states there are. Most will answer 49 or 51. No joke.

  2. HAHA Shelly, I love it! Don't complete the list, though - you'll have a heart attack!

    The fact that there is even a conceivable misspelling of "children" is beyond me. But there is: childlen. I know. It hurts.

    I need to start asking people how many states there are - that's totally ridic!


You are truly great.