Friday, July 23, 2010

Interview With Barack

Wow, it's been an exciting week. I had a chance to interview the (arguably) most influential man of the decade, and it was a thrilling experience. NBC, thanks so much for getting me in! Michelle, thanks for letting me steal your man away from the kids for an evening. 411 4eva! Yeah, girl! ;) (Sorry guys, inside joke.)

I didn't think I'd be able to reprint the transcript of the interview here before it goes live, but luckily a very special somebody over at NBC was able to get me full rights! THANKS PAUL-O! Love you lots, love your chicken more! HAHA! Oh, I went there! ;)

Anyway, here it is!

Me: Well if it isn't Barack Obama, the first black president in the history of the United States!
Barack: Haha, hello yourself.
Me: Do you feel awkward, Mr. Obama, when I refer to you as “black?”

Barack: No, not at all.
Me: Great. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a white female striving for equality in this crazy world. I work in children's publishing and am thinking about starting an ebay store with one of my friends. Hmm, what else—oh, I love the color coral, because my grandma says I look pretty in coral.
Barack: Sasha loves coral, too—she even has a coral key chain to go with her coral purse.
Me: Cute! So, first question. What three words would you use to describe me? “Calm, cool, and collected?” “Spunky, sparkling, and spacey?” or “Fun, fabulous, and fly?”
Barack: Well...I'd have to go with the last one.
Me: Holla! I'm as fly as they come. Haha! That's just a little black lingo for you. Now Barack, I have to say, I really like the tie you're wearing today. What is your favorite part of my outfit?
Barack: H'm. You're wearing very nice shoes. Malia would love those. She likes to play dress-up in my wife's heels.
Me: These old things? Oh dear, I picked these up at—let's see, where did I get these shoes? I want to say Nordstrom Rack, but I also went on a bit of a shoe bender in Southern California last summer, and I was high on E for most of it, so it's always a surprise walking into my shoe closet now! Hehe! I'm like, “Huh? Don't remember buying these!” Does your wife have a shoe closet?
Barack: No, but she has a very big closet. That was one of the caveats she gave me before she'd move into the White House. “Baby,” she said, “I don't care what the kitchen looks like, but give me a really big closet.”
Me: JUST LIKE CARRIE AND BIG! That is so cute. What tips would you have for, say, a twenty-something girl in the children's publishing industry, for maximizing closet space?
Barack: Wow, you'd have to ask Michelle about that one. Sorry!
Me: Great, I'll get her number from you after the break. Do you consider me an attractive person?
Barack: I think you're very enthusiastic.
Me: What would you say is my best feature?
Barack: Well..
Me: I get a lot of compliments on my eyes. But lately I've been crying so much that they're all puffy. AND I'm getting a wrinkle on my forehead! See this?
Barack: I don't...see any wrinkle.
Me: Does Michelle have any particularly prominent wrinkles, or does she Botox?
Barack: Michelle is a beautiful woman.
Me: You're probably wondering why I mentioned crying. I'm a very emotional person, as many white females are. You see—well, I should probably start at the beginning. When I was very young, I suffered a horrible, horrible tragedy.
Barack: I'm sorry to hear that.
Me: Yes. Thank you. My pet goat died.
Barack: That's terrible. I know my girls would be devastated if anything happened to their puppy.
Me: But you can get a puppy at any pet store. How many times have you seen a goat?
Barack: Actually, in Hawaii—
Me: My point exactly. They don't have them in America. Anyway, my goat died. That was probably the first night I truly cried my eyes out. Then I was robbed.
Barack: Oh?
Me: Yes, someone came in the middle of the night and took away all my toys. At the time, I thought it was the tooth fairy. Turns out it was my mom, punishing me for putting a scorpion in my little brother's shoe.
Barack: Wow.
Me: Anyway, things haven't been easy. So, heard anything new about the oil spill?
Barack: I—the oil spill? Oh! My team has been working round the clock to combat this tragedy. BP will pay.
Me: I know, right? So awful. However, let's not forget about the many benefits of oil. Did you know jojoba oil is a wonderful facial moisturizer?
Barack: …
Me: I see why you wouldn't trust me. I mean, I have a wrinkle in my forehead.
Barack: No—I—...
Me: It's a wrap! Thanks so much, Mr. President!


  1. You are so racially insensitive.

    I am shocked.

  2. I especially enjoyed this line: "What tips would you have for, say, a twenty-something girl in the children's publishing industry, for maximizing closet space?"

  3. Why hasn't the nation heard about this? I feel like I understand our President so much better now.


You are truly great.