Friday, July 16, 2010

Traumatizing Moments from My Present, Volume One: GO AWAY GOOGLE

Just looked at Google Analytics for this blog.


First of all, I'M FAMOUS! 81 visits this week?! That's like the whole town of Sheffield, IL! Too bad no one has computers there. They may never see this shout-out. I love Sheffield! They have the best restaurant EVER. It's called Zee Best Cafe. You should check it out. The chef was a Top Chef winner, I think, I don't know, he had to cook anaconda or something once. Then he served it at the restaurant. IN SHEFFIELD. And people bought it! Who says the country folk of Southern Illinois are narrow minded? David Foster Wallace, that's who. Too bad he's wrong. 81 visits! JEEPERS! Thanks for all the comments, jerks. Oh, and to whoever found this blog by googling "how to stalk and kill young elk," I would like to say this: Montana Cow Elk III Decoy ©.

Second of all, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why does Google know everything? And now that I have supped from the goblet of Google Analytics, I, too, know everything. The knowledge is too much. It's crushing me. I spin crazily around in my own head. (Actually, I spin crazily around in my chair, from a mind-altering cocktail of ibuprofen and lattes. Why did Chili Mac's have a $4 16 oz. vodka lemonade special last night? Tell me that, Google. Tell me that.)

Now I'm intimidated by my new-found fame, and don't know what to write about. Ironic, isn't it? My knowledge is also my destruction. Fun quiz of the day: Find All the Similarities Between This Post and the Book of Genesis!

Everything: the minutely detailed history of the future, the archangels' autobiographies, the faithful catalogues of the Library, thousands and thousands of false catalogues, the demonstration of the fallacy of those catalogues, the demonstration of the fallacy of the true catalogue, the Gnostic gospel of Basilides, the commentary on that gospel, the commentary on the commentary on that gospel, the true story of your death, the translation of every book in all languages, the interpolations of every book in all books.
-Borges, Library of Google

PS: I just realized that 79 of those visits might have been me. SOMETIMES I NEED TO CHECK ON THINGS, OK? Like if this blog still exists. Google, can you tell when it's just me? Why am I even asking that? Of course you can. YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

PPS: Do you think there's a chance that one--just one!--of those 81 lost souls was Scott Weiland who found me while googling himself? (Because you know he does that all the time. Sorry, Scottie.)

Evil Google Overlord


  1. Love it Tori! Speaking of Elk, I saw a dead one on the side of the highway a few days ago. As you can tell, I'm enjoying Montana.

    your friend,


    I hope this comment makes you feel better about your life.

  3. Tori, I love Scott Weiland. Why did he ruin Velvet Revolver? WHY? THE DRUGS. arrrgh.

  4. S: EW, an elk? I hope you ate it. With this economy, you can never be too sure where your next meal is coming from.

    L: IT DOES! *scalding tears fall on keyboard* Thank you. :)

    S #2: Want to be my publicist?

    H: I KNOW. Another question that is pertinent right now is: why is he not my husband? Or yours? (I'll settle for living vicariously. :)

  5. I don't appreciate the implication that I am currently NOT.


You are truly great.