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Thursday, August 5, 2010

A Few Bitter, Subtle Witticisms

You think you're such hot stuff? I beg to differ. Here are a few things that might make you THINK you're cool, but trust me, you're not.


1. You go to grad school. NO ONE CARES.

2. You get paid a lot of money working at your depressing 8:30-8pm advertising/investing/banking/soulless/corporation job. YOUR LIFE IS MEANINGLESS.

3. You have a blog. NO ONE READS IT EXCEPT FOR WEIRD FOREIGNERS.

4. You have friends. THEY PROBABLY DON'T LIKE YOU.

5. You think I like you. I PROBABLY DON'T, EITHER.

6. You like me. NO YOU DON'T.

7. You're passionately in love with me. BUY ME THINGS.

8. You want to sweep me away to the warm southern European climes that I love so dearly. UGH FINE.

9. You think you're good at what you do. TRUST ME YOU AREN'T.

10. You're awesome. TRY UNBEARABLY SELF-CENTERED.

11. You're a human. SOME COMBINATION OF MERI, CHELSEA AND I PROBABLY HATE YOU.

12. You're a writer. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.

13. You're a boy. TRY MENSTRUATION ON FOR SIZE.

14. You're a girl. STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT UNREALISTIC HOLLYWOOD STANDARDS NO ONE CARES AND THOSE BETCHES LOOK GOOD ANYWAY.

15. You're smart. NOPE.



This is a picture of ME I just took it with my CAMERA PHONE and anyone who says OTHERWISE will be FIRED.

3 comments:

  1. tori. i feel like you are trying to drown us all with your bitterness, and insanity. try enjoying the laugh of a child, smelling a flower on a misty sunday morning, or getting a foot massage from a willing, friendly stranger.

    hope your weird, life-negating wounds start to heal. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. BEST
    ADVICE
    EVER
    RECEIVED

    im happy now thx.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Tori,

    I missed your blog while I was on vacation. This post (especially) made me laugh (aloud).

    Thank you.

    Sincerely,
    Shelly

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.