Tuesday, August 3, 2010

INTRODUCING...Diary of a Thug Mommy!

Last week at work, I spent hours looking at parenting blogs--no, don't give me that weird look. I was compiling a list of Mommy and Daddy blog contacts for a press release. Did you know that most Mommy blogs are awfully depressing? Every single one has the exact same introduction, and here I paraphrase it: "The adventures of one mom and her 14 angelic little devils! Blogging to stay sane through the diapers, the doodoo, and the absent Hubz! Follow me through my adventures in baby food, cloth diapering, and breastfeeding-in-public; laugh at my humorous antics and remember I AM BLOGGING TO STAY SANE! I AM BLOGGING TO STAY SANE! DO NOT CROSS ME I WILL COME AT YOU WITH A KNIFE! Thanks for stopping by and remember to enjoy every moment of MommyHood!"

Seriously, about 98% of parenting blogs have some attempted humorous quip about sanity. After awhile it starts to seem really macabre.

Anyway, as I was looking at a particularly choice blog entitled "Diary of a Chic Mommy" (another trend is trying to make your diaper-drenched life seem uber glamorous by including words like "Sexy," "Hip," and "Gucci" in your title--no joke), my fabulous coworker--we'll call her M--said, "Does that say "Diary of a Thug Mommy?"

I wuz like, no. But that is the best title EVER!

And so, blatantly plagarizing M's genius, I present you with an all-new t-t-tori feature: DIARY OF A THUG MOMMY. Dialect is totes Faulkner-inspired, so don't you go calling this betch illiterate!

Day 1:

Woke up with my new tattoo burning like a mother. They say the inside of the eyelid is sensitive but I never had trouble with it before. Oh well. Rolled over and hit Thug Hubby on the head until he woke up.

"Susie?" he said.
"I ain't your sister!" I screamed at him. He woke up real quick after that. I told him to go make me some coffee and waffles--FOR FREE.

While I was waiting for my waffles, I crept into Lil Thug's room and flipped my eyelid up to scare him. He was asleep so I pinched his nose shut until he woke up. He started screaming when he see'd my tattoo and afore I knew it he was climbing out of the crib. I watched him go for a few seconds. That Lil Thug sure is athletic! He got his legs from his daddy. Whoops, he fell on the floor. He started squallering up a storm and I yelled for Thug Hubby to pick him up.

Then I spend the rest of the day chopping trees. I love my chainsaw.

Thug Mommy

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You are truly great.