Thursday, August 19, 2010

My Worries

I am worried that my brother, who is going to be a stunt double in a REAL movie, will become a celebrity and my career as a writer will be tainted forever. Nobody takes the siblings of celebrities seriously. (see:

I am worried that there is a new trend in fiction. It is called Rejecting Tori's Stories. Everybody is doing it.

I am worried that I am allergic to alcohol. Many many weeks ago, I did something I truly regret. Something horrible--something unspeakable. It was called "vodka shots at Berlin." Is it possible to be hungover for a whole month?

I am worried that people reading this will think I'm an alcoholic. I almost never drink, trust me. I just think it's funny to talk about alcohol. And it makes me seem cool. I do heroin sometimes. One of my bffs and I made up a drinking game. It's awful fun. Here's how you play. You go to facebook and stalk your mutual friends. Then you say something bitchy about them. When you do, you have to take a drink. Feel free to play this on my profile. Here are some things to say about me: "Ugh Tori is so cute. I hate her." "Did you ever realize that Tori is so freaking smart? I hate her." "Wow her nose job is really botched."

I am worried that I have a wrinkle on my forehead. Should I invest in Frownies? Will my boyfriend think I'm a shallow loser?

I am worried that, come September, I will have no friends. L is moving to Boston. M is moving to Iowa. Another M is already gone to Siberia. C is moving to Florida. Ugh, you betches.

I am worried about grad school. Should I apply this fall? Where? Will I get in? Will they give me money? What is happening? Where is the door? Did someone turn off the lights? Why is it so cold in here? What's that?  Why is it furry? Why is it licking my kneecap? Is it a dog? Then why is it talking to me? Why is it running bony fingers through my hair? What is it saying? "Little girl, no need to be afraid"?

I am worried about the fact that my ankle is bleeding profusely. I cut off a mosquito bite while shaving.

I am worried that my boyfriend will stop loving me because I accidentally dyed my hair black and look like a scraggly goth. I was going for dark brown. I used too much indigo. Indigo is what people use to dye blue jeans. When you mix it with henna, you get a dark brown dye. Or so they told me. LIARS!

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You are truly great.