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Friday, September 3, 2010

Diary of a Thug Mommy: Recipe Chest

Thug Mommy is back! And boy, has she cooked up some fine vittles for y'all. Pull up a chair!

Day 2:

Some days I just don't like to cook. Like if I've been chainsawing too much or something. It's hard to flip griddlecakes when you've only got 3 fingers on each hand. My momma, may she rest in peace, Lord forgive me for letting her sit out in the flies so long, You know I couldn't afford a coffin when I was still paying off my chainsaw bills, left me with some real hearty recipes that don't require a speck of cooking. 

Venison Jerky

Kill a deer. Dry it out. Now there are two appropriate methods for drying out a deer. One is you put in on a real hot rock and let it set for awhile in the sun. Two is you hang it up in a tree and light some wood on fire beneath it. That gives the meat a real nice smoky flavor. Just watch the fire because sometimes kids like to play with fire and sometimes kids like to pick up burning sticks and throw them at their mommys. Eat it.

Bruschetta

This here's a real fancy-like recipe from a place called Olive Garden. You get some tomatoes from your neighbor's garden. You cut them up. Any old knife will do. Put some salt (that's the white one with the little holes) and pepper (that's the black one with the big holes) on the tomatoes. Find some bread and put the tomatoes on top. Eat it.

Dessert

Find a tree. Are there bees in it? If there are, git some honey. Run real fast. Do you still have any bread? Put the honey on the bread. Eat it quick before the flies come. If you don't brush your teeth, some of the honey stays in your mouth overnight and you can taste it in the morning. It's a real nice surprise.

1 comment:

  1. Tasty. Seriously, this most makes me want to boil some frogs and eat 'em whole.

    Where do you come up with this stuff?

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.