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Friday, September 3, 2010

Facebook, Why Are You So Creepy?

Oh hey, FB.
I hate Facebook. I'm deactivating my account soon. Everyone on Facebook annoys me--even my own profile annoys me. STOP POSTING STATUSES IN ALL CAPS, TORI. Today, Facebook pulled the ultimate creepy move on me. It was all, "Hey sweetcheeks, your little sister just answered a question about you. Click here to unlock it!" Of course, I want to see what my little sister said about me, so I click. And Facebook is all, "Whoa there, I'ma need to access all your information before I let you see the answer, baby." I still want to see what my sis wrote about me, so I let Facebook get to second base. Then Facebook really pulls out the creepy guns. Flashing me with an add that says BE NAUGHTY ON FACEBOOK, it tells me, "You need 50 more coins to unlock an answer."

Coins? Facebook, YOU HOOKER!

So that was weird and I felt slightly violated, especially when two shadowy figures on the ad began to passionately make out, but whatever, and then I look down and see that there are all these "questions" that MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS have "answered" about me. Huh?! Of course, Facebook won't show me who the hell these so-called friends are. Not only is Facebook creeping on me, but my freaking FRIENDS are creeping on me. You want to see some of the questions?

Q: Do you think that Tori is a pervert?
A: No.
(Just wait till you have kids, creepy Facebook stalker.)

Q: Do you think that Tori should not wear tight clothing?
A: No.
(Well, thanks...I mean, UGH! Who the hell are you and why are you thinking about me in tight clothes?)

Q: Do you think that Tori sings Britney Spears aloud when no one else is around?
A: No.
(This person doesn't know me at ALL. Why are you answering questions about me if you don't even know simple, biological facts about me like um, Brit is my main girl?)

Q: Do you think that Tori has ever stolen money from her friends?
A: Yes.
(WHAT IS THIS? I'ma steal more than money from you, creeper--like your LIFE.)

Q: Do you think that Tori has ever played strip poker?
A: Yes.
(I really hope this wasn't the one my little sister answered.)

I also managed to glean that two of my "friends" do NOT have crushes on me, one person thinks I'm funny, one person thinks I'm cute, one person thinks I scored above 1500 on the SATs, one person thinks I have a deep dark secret, one person thinks I've showered today (another person who obviously doesn't know me. Fun fact: I never shower!), and one person thinks I'm a slacker.

Fine, I'll return the favor. I think you need to wear less makeup because it's only accentuating your smallpox scars. I think your boyfriend is fat and wears white-trash jeans. I think you probably have a secret fetish for girls with Cheeto-stained fingers. I think you're a hypocrite. I think your CEO is a pimply Harvard dropout. I think your ads suck. I think you don't know me, Facebook, and I can't believe I ever let you--sob--into my life.

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You are truly great.