Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Perfect Jeans?

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I HATE PANTS.

(I also hate Lady Gaga's "QUiRKY FASHiON SENSZ!" marked by her lack of pants that makes biddies salivate every time she GOES TO THE AIRPORT IN A LEOTARD WEARING ALEXANDER MCQUEEN LOBSTER SHOES! SHE'S SO CRAZY! Wake me up when she stops wearing legs.)

Pants are uncomfortable, tight in weird places, loose in weird places, too short, generally hideous, and they NEVER FIT ME. I have a large collection of thrift store jeans and I hate them all. I'm the cat lady of jeans. And so I find myself taking the 1990s Britney Spears route and wearing floaty miniskirts, aka the most comfortable piece of clothing ever, as often as I possibly can.

But there is something alluring about those hippie-flared, well-worn, buttery jeans that fit so perfectly and are marked with the paint flecks, climbed-into-the-pasture-for-a-midnight-picnic-and-ripped-them-on-the-barbed-wire-fence holes, scraggly Chicago-weather-is-dire-and-I-like-my-jeans-way-too-long hems, and all-the-waters-of-Arabia-will-not-wash-these-little-jeans-clean bloodstains of a long and wonderful life. I am willing to pay upwards of two million dollars for a pair of these. My mom tells me $100 = a million dollars.

And I think I may have found them:

Are these The Ones? They're 7 For All Mankind, approximately one million and sixty-eight dollars, soft and comfortable and flared and tight and beautiful! But the pushy salesman told me that if the jeans fit perfectly in the dressing room, you have to get a size smaller because they'll stretch. WHAT? Um, isn't that the problem of the jean manufacturers and not me? I don't buy shoes a size too small because they'll stretch out. I don't buy fewer groceries than I need because they'll expand in my stomach. I HATE PANTS!

So I'm confused. What do I do? To paraphrase Charlotte from SATC re. finding the man of her dreams: "I've been wearing jeans since I was fifteen! WHERE ARE THEY?"

I have to go home and feed my thrift store jeans now. You know how they get when they're not fed.


  1. I feel you, girl!
    Let us come together against jeans for they are evil and (more importantly) uncomfortable! Whenever I go jean shopping, my throat seizes up, palms start sweating as I start to finger through the hundreds of jeans that:
    A) Don't fit me right.
    B) Make me feel like a cow
    C) Don't match my perfect description for jeans (dark wash, no accents, no pocket decor).

  2. That makes sense with jeans. The stretch in them gets worn out and then "gives" more easily. They say that you must wear pants for 20 minutes until they fit you the way they are meant to. Also the more you wash them the looser they get...lame, I know, but it's better to know this before you drop $1,000,680, I guess?

    I just wear my jeggings all day/every day because its like wearing leggings but NOT, so it's my way of wearing sweatpants out but NOT! Apparently no less than 3 homeless men checked me out at one single moment today so maybe they are a little slutty...

  3. Buy the 7s! and get a size too small, you'll be glad later. And seriously, buying jeans shouldn't be the hassle it is. Make sure before you buy them tho that then don't have more than 2% stretch material in them, otherwise they'll stretch out too much and aren't worth it.


You are truly great.