Saturday, November 13, 2010

If I Had a Twitter

Most depressing book cover you've seen today, or most depressing book cover you've seen ever?
I used to be really anti-twitter because...I MEAN COME ON! Have you seen the thing? It's totally inane! And yet, somehow...I NEED ONE! Here's why: every day, my mind is flooded with brilliant thoughts, sarcastic quips, sexy one-liners (mostly taken from Usher songs), hilarious jokes, and fascinating scientific facts that I read in my extensive gin-fueled Wikipedia surfing sessions...and I have nowhere to put these sparkling gems! I can't write about them on here--this blog feels too long-form. I can't put them as my facebook statuses...I don't want to be THAT PERSON who floods everyone's newsfeed (although I'd rather be THAT person than the guy who floods everyone's newsfeed with New York Times articles. Wait what, Barack Obama won the election? Thanks for reposting that! I really appreciate your cutting-edge journalism from the front lines!). And if no one reads your thoughts, do they really exist?

Yet I refuse to get a twitter until Meriwether does. I don't know why, it's a solidarity thing. MERI ARE YOU LISTENING?

I also refuse to get an iPhone until either Meri or Charlie does.

And I refuse to cover my body with a head-to-toe tattoo of a single sweet potato fry until we see a little change in the way this country is run.

(See, that's the kind of funny quip that would be oh-so-perfect for twitter!)

But think of how obnoxsh twitter is. Twitterverse? Tweeple? All the stupid little slangy signs, like "@" and "RT"? Also, Demi Moore and Ashten Kutcher are active on twitter, which begs the question: would a more productive use of my time be killing myself? (BTW, friends with twitterz, I love you all. I think the concept is obnoxsh, not your thoughts!)

Here's a sample of what my Twitter would be like (oh, and my username will probably be seXaychicA2309, or baLLerinagurl03, or DEATHKILL007, or deathcabforcutiefan4lyf). I present to you: my most important thoughts of the day crafted into--what do you kids call them?--"tweets."


8:03 AM--Coldplay may be the world's most effective buzzkill.*

8:04--I should get a Twitter. That was funny.

8:30--Why does "Yeah" by Usher never get old?

8:45--You can tell I was homeschooled because I have the Pirates of the Carribean theme song on my iPod.

9:12--Do any of my NCFCA friends remember that really cute guy from Kentucky named Aaron? Of more immediate importance: does anyone know why he didn't accept my facebook friend request? Does he not like me or does it have to do with the fact that facebook wasn't invented when we met and I friend requested him like 4 years later?**

9:13--Some of the people from my middle school look like they could be on North Carolina Shore. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME! Thanks for moving me to Chicago, parents. I may have lost my entire social life, but at least I went to Northwestern!

10--I don't understand why, with a society so advanced, we still have homeless people.

10:35--Someone at work referred to "down and dirty hip hop gangster rap verse." Kids these days! All that boozin' and rampagin'...

10:36--Looking at grad school application requirements is a Quick-N-Easy way to get a heart attack. The sick thing is that there are basically no requirements. In sterile, professional words they manage to communicate what they really mean: You better be a fucking amazing writer, 'cause we don't give a fuck about anything else.

10:46--NY Times on Junot Diaz: "Sexy, diamond-sharp stories..." UGH THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

10:51--Painful places to have cuts: the middle of your tongue. The soft pad of your thumb. Thankfully, I have cuts on both!

10:55--Absinthe in Earl Grey tea. Think about it. No one would ever know.

11--My shoes are off under my desk. I'm quirky.

11:01--Know what would be weird? If you referred to things regarding feet as "feet-al." Inaprops? Or just irrelevant?

11:02--I'm in a feet-al position.

11:03--Why hello stand-up comedy job offer!

11:03--And then if you and your friends are shoe-shopping, you look at the shoe salesman and say, "Feet-us."

11:04--Goodbye stand-up offer.

11:30--To protect the innocent I cannot give you any context for the following quote, but I thought y'all might appreesh: “The Owl and the Pussycat: Down and Dirty.”

11:31--Emailing professors is awkward. I always try to sound friendly so I use too many exclamation points and then I come across as ditzy, so I try to sound intellectual by asking about their life/travels/writing and then I come across as a stalker.


OK, there's no way I can get a twitter. Obviously it will take over my life and I won't be able to keep my tweets short enough. Whew. I'm glad I escaped alive. OH, by the way, my "friend" has a really great twitter called salsaMAMACITAh8ttie31 if you want to follow her. I mean whatever. She's pretty funny though. It's cool if you don't want to it's just a suggestion.

*I wasn't drunk at 8:03 am. I was feeling very happy and then Coldplay came on.
**This may be too long for a real tweet. If there's one thing this modern age has taught me, it's that A TWEET IS 140 CHARACTERS, PRIVATE. DROP DOWN AND BEAT YOUR FACE!***
***Thanks Wiktionary army slang!


  1. He accepted my friend request. So I win.

  2. First off: please get a twitter.

    Second: Yes, Coldplay is the ultimate killjoy. Fix You? I can guarantee you every girl has a moment where they have cried/mourned/lamented while listening to this song.

    Third: YES I CAN TELL THAT YOU ARE HOMESCHOOLED BECAUSE OF THE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN (sorry, POTC) SOUNDTRACK! that was a GOOD CALL. You would be homeschooled HOMESCHOOOOLED if you had the Lord of the Rings (excuse me, LOTR) soundtrack on your iPod. DO YOU?


  4. First, Thankyouthankyouthankyou for not blowing up my fb news feed. It's one of my (and everyone else's) pet peeves.

    Second, random thoughts are what twitter is for! You can tweet like 3 to 500 times a day and both are appropriate. Your thoughts seem to be more random than the norm, thus twitter would be good for you. ;) Plus, I like that I can carry twitter with me on my phone and check it when I have a free moment.

    Third, I now want to tried Earl Grey and Absinthe (I'm easily influenced and am way too curious).


You are truly great.