Saturday, November 20, 2010

Open Letter to Old Men in Coffee Shops

This post is dedicated to YOU.
Dear Stare-y Old Man,

Here I am, typing away at my computer. Sometimes, I may want to look around, just to get my bearings/check if Hugh Jackman has walked in yet since this is his favorite spot in Melbourne. When I do, you and I make eye contact. Whatever. I get it. Sometimes men look at women. It's a fact of life. I don't really care. We both look away and pretend it didn't happen.

EXCEPT YOU DON'T LOOK AWAY. The next time I scan the room, I notice that you are still looking at me.

Stare-y old man, I'm here to tell you that you're breaking the law.

Well maybe there's not really a law against creepily staring at girls against their will. Except there is. It's called the law of Common Decency, the law of Who Raised You, the law of DON'T BE A CREEP. You don't have freedom of stare in my book. I will take you to the Supreme Court, old man. You can't just walk around staring at people and refusing to look away. LOOK AWAY, DAMMIT! Ew, you're still doing it! Now I feel sort of crazy. HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP? You're grossing me out. How would you feel if I stared at you against your will? You'd ask me to stop. How do I know this? Because I stared at a man once and made him so uncomfortable that he commanded me to look away. OK, so the man was actually my dad. He was being annoying and trying to read the Bible to me and I was fidgeting and being extremely adolescent so he said, "Tori, pay attention!" and I said, in my evil little adolescent mind, "You want attention, Pops? YOU GOT IT." So I stared straight at him for so long that he literally commanded me to look away. Ouch. Those words hurt when they come from a father figure.

But I digress. STOP STARING. You are not an attractive cabana boy. You are not a surf instructor with gorgeous blond dreadlocks. You are not a sultry bad boy whose stare can be described as "challenging," "thrilling," or "enigmatic." YOU ARE A CREEPER. No, don't smirk. It's not cute. Your chances of leaving this place with anyone under the age of 70 are slim to Osama Bin Laden. WE ARE NOT CHARMED. WE ARE NOT TEMPTED. THEY WILL NOT FORCE US. THEY WILL STOP DEGRADING US. THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US. WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS.

And suddenly I'm in a Muse is good!

What was I talking about again?

I saw that band in New Orleans once. It was pretty awesome.

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You are truly great.