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Friday, February 4, 2011

Hi It's Just Me Talking About What I'm Reading

I finally read Coraline (who knew novellas could be so fun? I always thought of them as old-school torture devices, used by creative writing programs to squish out your lifeblood, drop by drop). I don't think you need to hear me say that I LOVED IT, but whatever, I'll say it anyway: I LOVED IT. Neil Gaiman, PLEASE MARRY ME! Why are you engaged to that stupid artistic hussy or whoever she is? I bet she's dark and smoky and British and alluring. I CAN BE THOSE THINGS! True, I look stupid with black eyeliner, because I'm ghostly pale, due to my low-iron diet and the genes from my red-haired mother, but...YOU LIKE PALE THINGS! Your antagonists are always pale! Wait, is that why you don't love me? Because I remind you of tall, pale women with spider-like fingers and long red fingernails that are incessantly clacking? AND BUTTON EYES?

Ugh, I just got one of my least favorite emails ever: CHICAGO CARD PLUS: ACCOUNT RELOADING. Goodbye eighty-seven dollars. I loved you well.

You know, I really need to stop screaming at famous men about marriage. I may be scaring them away. They could find this blog, fall instantly in love with my charming use of caps lock and my profile picture that was taken like 4 years ago, before I became the wizened hag I am today, and start reading religiously, and then all of a sudden I'm screaming at them for their unwillingness to be my eternal lifemate. CA-REEPY! In this delusional belief, I am similar to a child named Vida, age eleven, who frequents the online forum of the magazine that I work for. Vida is a Bible-thumper and an avid conspiracy theorist. One of her most recent posts was about Justin Bieber, and how everybody needed to stop making anti-Justin Bieber threads. Her reasoning?

When I feel like making a dis-thread towards someone, I always think "Well, what if So and So came on the forum?? What would they feel like if you dissed them? I don't think that's a very good feeling to have when you know people are dissing you this way!!" That is what I say!! So think, what if Justin Bieber came on the forum RIGHT NOW?? What would he feel like??

Vida has the right attitude. An attitude of possibility, of eternal hope.

ANYWAY, the point of this post is that I am moving on to Lolita. And the reason I'm telling you this is because I don't want any of you biddies being all, "WHAT?! You haven't read Lolita yet?" NO I HAVEN'T READ LOLITA YET. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS MY THESIS ADVISOR'S FAVORITE BOOK. There are many other valuable things to read in this world, like People magazine. I'VE BEEN BUSY.

I got Lolita FO' FREE on my favorite website of all time, paperbackswap, but I'm super disappointed because while the version I ordered had a sultry pair of lips on the cover, the version I got has a little girl's legs in saddle shoes on the cover. I know the alluring protagonist is uncomfortably young, but must I be forced to feel like L-Money is 6 years old while reading the novel? Saddle shoes?

So if you see me on the bus, fighting back waves of nausea (I get extremely sick while reading in moving vehicles, which is part of the reason I'm always in a horrible mood after taking public transportation, which is part of the reason sometimes I am mean to my man when he comes to pick me up at the bus stop) and reading my leggy version of Nabokov's Greatest Hits, you are not allowed to a) judge me for picking out the most pedo-tastic version of the novel, or b) judge me for going this long without reading it. Because if you do, I will find out where you live, and I will go to your house and find your mother, and then I will ask her who babysat you when you were six, and then I will go to your old babysitter's house, but before I do that I'll bake some chocolate chip cookies, and I'll put arsenic in half of them, and then I'll give her the half...WITHOUT arsenic, and those cookies COULD HAVE BEEN YOURS if you hadn't judged me. Yes, weep, weep!

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You are truly great.