Wednesday, February 9, 2011

RANTS: On Haiku Humor

You know what really grinds my gears? (c) Family Guy


I can't tell you how many people--and let's be honest, I'm talking about WRITERS here--who think they're sparkling fairies of wit and jest when they write dumb "humorous" and "intentionally non-poetic" haikus that make me want to frolic in a forest of razorblades, my mouth afroth with childish laughter, aka rabies.

Haikus are SEVENTEEN SYLLABLES!! It's not that hard to write seventeen syllables about something totally random, squeeze it into a haiku format, and pat yourself on the back for being a hilariously literate person. I can write seventeen syllables in seventeen half-seconds with my eyes closed, one hand tied behind my back, and the other hand engaging in hand-to-hand combat with Zorro! Dancing across a slippery bridge with no guardrails, above the Niagara Falls, AFTER READING THE FALLS BY JOYCE CAROL OATES so I'm extra scared because I know all about what happens to bodies when they fall into Niagara Falls, they become "floaters," and if you've read The Falls or, well, probably any historical literature about Niagara, you know exactly what I mean when I say GROOOOOHOOOHOOOSS!

Look, I'll write some HIL-AH-RIOUS haikus right now, without even looking up how many syllables are on each line (is it 5-7-5?).

I am walking down
The street. Oh my! I see a
Crazy dinosaur!

Nutella is good.
This is why you're fat, U.S.!
Wait, it's from Europe.

Look at this random
Haiku! Aren't I funny, guys?
I write memoirs, too.


Also, notice how talented I am at poetry? Those 3 haikus literally took me 75 seconds (I timed it. In my head.).


  1. I love haikus but
    I do not deny that they
    often suck, real bad.

  2. I do like haiku
    and I love peanut butter
    give me a pickle

    60 seconds! could you tell?

  3. ladies, you are brilliant. i think it's time for a HAIKU RAP!


You are truly great.