Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Spoiler Alerts From My Upcoming Novel

I haven't read this, but I think it's safe to say that this is the best-written book of all time. 

The main character's name is Punctillious IV, a Roman Emperor.


Punctillious Vampirous IV only drinks the blood of blood oranges and blood-red tomatoes.

IV. Get it? Intravenous? As in, vein? Impressively nuanced, I know.

His love interest turns out to be 85, due to the first documented case of Roman plastic surgery and the mad skills of Roman plastic surgeons. He is crushed! Will love prevail over age differences?

The traditionally-laconic ghost of Brutus appears and dances the tango, which shocks high Roman society so much that several ladies fling themselves, screaming, off the parapets of Punctillious' castle.

Suddenly everybody dies.

Hoping for an answer to the massacre? NOPE! It's left unexplained, for poetic effect.

The last scene is Punctillious (still alive, because he's a vampire) holding the hand of his now-ghostly, but-still-85 love interest, and walking off into the mists to the mournful keen of a bagpipe solo. There's a button to press at the end of the novel if you want to hear the music instead of having to imagine what it sounds like.

It's not until after you've read the novel that you realize it's really a memoir about my father and the tribulations of growing up as a half-Scottish white person living in America. (The bagpipes were a metaphor for my troubles.)

1 comment:

  1. Yes! VAMPIRES! Sorry I abandoned ye for a while, Lassie. I'm trying to check into my blog listings more often but life often sneaks up and whacks me on the head with a bagpipe.


You are truly great.