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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

How to Respond to a Publicist

“Nope.”

“Yeah…nope.”

“Sure, you can send along a sample of that truffled chocolate popcorn/new Hermès bag/La Mer facial crème and I will consider reviewing it. Snicker.”

“Does the fact that your livelihood depends upon a book titled Pee-Pees and Wee-Wees: Introducing Your Child to Toilet Etiquette ever send you into an existential tailspin?”

“If you email me one more time, my team of sniper-lawyers and their rabid pitbulls will be tasered into a blood-lust frenzy and released.”

“I’m sorry, my company has absolutely no interest in your miniature inflatable swimming pool.”

Au contraire. Cold weather does not make my replaced hip click or pop. But thank you for inquiring.”

“I will be attending your restaurant opening. Can I RSVP for me and seven friends? We’re all, uh, chefs.”

“I will take monetary compensation for forwarding this inane email to my boss.”

“I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOU ARE SELLING LOW-CALORIE FROZEN PIZZA AND I WORK FOR A CHILDREN’S MAGAZINE.”

“No, I did not get your fax.”

4 comments:

  1. Oh, how they plague me! I have gotten requests about eggs, popcorn machines, and beans. Why all the food? I do not work for a food-oriented publication.

    ReplyDelete
  2. “I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOU ARE SELLING LOW-CALORIE FROZEN PIZZA AND I WORK FOR A CHILDREN’S MAGAZINE.”

    This was the best until I got to this:

    “No, I did not get your *fax*.

    GOOD POST.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This makes me want to work in publishing. For a day.

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.