Thursday, March 10, 2011


I've often been compared to Steve Jobs, both in my eye for the future and my indomitable spirit of innovation (not to mention our mutual love of skinny white things). Some have even called me his "heir," a flattering title, but one I must graciously refuse. After all, I know nothing about computers or websites or how to make cute little buttons that VIBRATE when you touch them BUT THEY'RE NOT REALLY BUTTONS they're just icons on a flat screen BUT THEY SEEM SO REAL can I eat them?

Still, if I knew the first thing about technology, I have no doubt that I'd be one of the leading producers of iPhone/iPad apps. Barely a day goes by when I don't come up with some ingenious app idea. Below, I share my two favorites. INTELLECTUAL COPYRIGHT APPLIES.

Tori's iPhone Apps

The Jeggings Voice-Over App

Each time a rap song plays on your iPhone, this hip new app replaces every mention of "jeans" with the more appropriately on-trend "jeggings," breathing new life into boring old hits. Fashionistas will love lines such as,

Apple Bottom JEGGINGS, boots wit da fur (Flo Rida, "Low")

Pocket full of green, girl you know I love the way you shake it in them JEGGINGS (Trey Songz, "Bottom's Up")

Walking the streets with you and your worn-out JEGGINGS (Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me")

I don't wear tight JEGGINGS like the white boys (Gucci Mane, "Wasted")

As well as the perennial favorite:

Billie JEGGING is not my lover, she's just a girl who claims that I am the one (Michael Jackson, "Billie Jean")

The Roadkill or Glove? App

Sure to become a favorite with the delicate and squeamish world-wide, the Roadkill or Glove? app helps you avoid those horrible situations when you're walking down the sidewalk and you see something kind of grey and lumpy lying ahead of you and it looks like there's a little red coming out of one end and you're like AHHHH! If that's a dead squirrel I gotta cross over to the other side! Fear not, trembling one--just point your iPhone at the offending pile of mystery, and this ground-breaking app will tell you instantly whether it's Roadkill...or just an abandoned Glove.

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You are truly great.