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Monday, March 7, 2011

Similarities Between Me and a Richer, More Famous Version of Me

WHERE'S THE OTHER FOOT?!?
  1. Both I and the richer, more famous version of myself are addicted to licorice. If there is a bag of licorice in our apartment, it's the first thing we eat in the morning, and the last thing we eat at night.
  2. Both I and the richer, more famous version of myself have a not-so-secret undying love of Britney Spears. However, the richer more famous version of myself has seen Britney Spears in concert and partied at Viper with her and then they became best friends and the richer more famous version of myself is being featured on her upcoming album, Glamazon Twinz: Brit and Tor-Tor.
  3. Both I and the richer, more famous version of myself spend hours picturing ourselves in head-to-toe Burberry. We think it's the hippest brand on the planet. I am more likely to fall asleep picturing myself in the above shoes, while the richer more famous version of me is more likely to hit the clubs of LA wearing them.
  4. Both I and the richer, more famous version of myself scorn the lessers who crowd us with their fat selves on the bus, cut in front of us at Trader Joe's, and yap on their cellphones when we are just trying to finish our debut novel. To the richer, more famous version of me, “riding the bus” is but a quaint memory, “Trader Joe” is the name of her coke dealer, and her debut novel is actually debut memoir called Hollywhack: How I Climbed Mount Famous and Slid Down the Other Side. 
  5. Both I and the richer, more famous version of myself have been renowned for our glowing beauty at certain points in our lives. I was an adorable, chubby baby with blonde curls, and have since slid down into decrepit quarter-life mire. The richer more famous version of myself is forty-five but doesn't look a day over eighteen, due to a killer team of lymphatic masseurs, yogic hypnotherapists, and Photoshop Ninjas.

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You are truly great.