Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why Hullo There

To the five hundred thousand, six hundred and eighty-one readers of t-t-tori and all its affiliates, including the Dot Gov Review and tor-tor and McSweeneys (SPOILER ALERT: I am Dave Eggers), I have four pieces of news for you.

1. I DO NOT LIKE ASIAN FOOD. I do not like it, Sam I Am. I do not like it, Son of Sam. The sick thing is that I keep trying and trying to like it. Exhibit 263b: I ate Pad Thai for lunch. AND I LOATHED EVERY BITE. So please don't invite me to "girls night ouuuut! let's get Cozy Noodle and talk about our favorite celebz!" I will shank you.
2. My boyfriend just texted me. His text included the word "fabulous." I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER.
3. I realize that the world has been waiting with bated breath for the sixth and final installation of my resolution to write one story a week for six weeks, especially since I said the plot was "genius" right hurr. Well, I didn't finish the story. I am giving myself an extension. I went to my office hours and begged, and I was granted the right. Last week was extremely traumatizing for me. Lots of bad things happened. I don't remember them (repression is great) but I know they were there. So I stopped writing on Wednesday and haven't touched a Microsoft Word document since. I'll finish it in a few days, so expect a fragment of the new tail here (that was a hint!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
4. Wicker Park vintage shopping is a huge joke. I'd forgotten how much I loathed it until yesterday, when my boyfriend sent me off into the wilds of yuppied-out hipsterville in order to "play jazz" with his "jazz bros" or whatever those fools do. DRUGS?!?!?!?!?!?! So I was like, hi Wicker Park vintage stores! Wow, a peasant blouse from Forever 21! Is this from Woodstock? I bet Janis Joplin wore this! Gee, what an adorable Banana Republic shift dress! This is tooootally authentic '50's swinger fashion. I'LL TAKE IT! Only fifty bucks? Oh, Wicker Park, it's a steal! 

My mood in these last cold days of winter is best summed up by my bestie Dorothy Parker in "From the Diary of a New York Lady":
Wednesday. The most terrible thing happened just this minute. Broke one of my finger nails right off short. Absolutely the most horrible thing I ever had happen to me in my life. Called up Miss Rose to come over and shape it for me, but she was out for the day. I do have the worst luck in the entire world. Now I'll have to go around like this all day and all night, but what can you do? Damn Miss Rose. Last night too hectic.


  1. YOU DON'T LIKE ASIAN FOOD? Are you a real woman? No really are you truly woman? Or have you surpassed this feminine weakness? Is it ok if I invite you to girls night out but we have street tacos and Manzana Gold instead? :D


    i would give ANYTHING for a street taco! when can this happen?!

    (i know, every girl on the planet but me is obsessed with asian food--am i missing a gene?)


You are truly great.