Friday, April 29, 2011

Diary of a Thug Mommy: Readin'

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: Obviously Thug Mommy isn't actually a thug. Over the span of her long life, she's morphed into...well...Redneck Mommy. Is this offensive? I mean, I've seen other people joking about how a poke from your redneck mom on facebook means she wants to have sex with you and I haven't even come CLOSE to that, so I think I'm OK, right? Anyway, my dilemma is as follows: a) Thug Mommy was the original joke, so I'm loathe to change her name, and b) I don't want to call her something that sounds tooooo offensive... I'm thinking of changing her name to Backwoods Mommy or Mountain Mommy. Does anyone have any opinions/ideas? I'd be forever grateful. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T AN IMPORTANT ISSUE???

Babies are important members of our green earth. I have five. I said I wanted one but Thug Hubby said "Woman, who's going to plow the fields when I'm gone?" and I said, "Thug Hubby, you know the bar don't open till 3 pm, PLOW 'EM BEFORE 3 PM!" and he said, "Woman, you shore are difficult," and then I had my second baby who was actually quadruplets, and Thug Hubby was happy.

Thug Hubby and I trained our kids to be honest, hard-working folk who can skin a coon faster than you can say "LAST CALL!" and who can shimmy up a tree if a bar is chasing them so's they don't git killed. I was a big reader up until the age of 15, when I married Thug Hubby, but then he accidentally burned all three of my books when he lit a match in the kitchen looking for the batch of moonshine muffins I was saving for Easter. While making 'em I accidentally drenched most everything in moonshine including my throat and stomach and so the whole kitchen lit up like fireworks when Thug Hubby tried to light the lantern. Since my books were handwritten cookbooks I kept 'em in the kitchen so they burnt up right quick. My grandmother wrote them herself. The woman could shore make a pretty sentence. I loved her recipe for Tuna Casaroll, especially the line "If you ain't too busy chopping kindling, hitch yerself down Gullywise Stream and look around the big rock across from the white oak that got struck by lightening in '46 and pick some dill and chop it up and put it in the bowl and mash."

Even after my books burnt, I knew I had to teach my babies how to read. Thug Hubby wasn't much help. He knows 3 letters: B, P, and M. Those letters help him figure out which beer is which. So I taught 'em myself and they learned right quick. Here are my tips for other mommies who want to teach their younguns all 19 letters and how to make pictures with them:

1. Bark is cheaper than paper. Paper is made from trees but bark is ON trees. So just write on there.
2. Fingers is pens. After cooking, jest use your fingers to make black greasy marks on the bark and you don't have to buy a thing.
3. It starts with A.
4. Examples are helpful. Here's one of mine: "If Jeremiah was running from a black bar and tried to shimmy up this here tree because he doesn't want to be et up, what's this letter that I just wrote here on the bark with my fingers that he'd smear with his knees?"

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You are truly great.