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Friday, April 1, 2011

The Last Day of March

I feel restless. I feel like big changes are happening in my life, except that they aren't. Nothing is  changing. Still...I feel like I'm constantly hovering on the brink of something else.

Oh, Chicago! How I dislike thee. I mean, you're great. It's not really you. It's me! I'm just tired of it here. I want to move around like I did when I was, yaknow, a little kid. But my friends are here, and my family is here, and my brother goes to school right across Lake Michigan and my other brother will be at U of I in the fall...and my grandparents are here, and my cousins are here, and my job is here.

But you know what's not here? SPRING.

There are some great parts of Chicago, like Intelligentsia and Hopleaf and Piece. And then there is the Loop--the most soul-sucking godforsaken section this city--and no matter how far I walk on my lunch break I can't find a single beautiful, quiet, romantic place inside of it. Thank God for the lake that looks like the ocean, cuz I don't know what I'd do without it.

I miss being a kid right now. I miss cutting a trail to the library. I miss walking through the woods and pretending that the trees were talking (yes, I was one of those little girls. I WAS HOMESCHOOLED). I miss having my best friend live next door, ducking under the row of pine trees that separated our houses and spending the rest of the afternoon just playing. I miss having my brothers and sister all around me all the time, and I miss my little dog that we always forgot to play with because we were too busy reading (HOMESCHOOLED) and who we eventually had to give away. I have a weirdly deep-seated regret when it comes to her.

It seems to me that a bit of magic and wonder left my life when we moved to Chicago (I mean, I was 14, so maybe the problem was more hormonal than situational). I swear, there is something sinister and hard about this city. Oh and I don't really care about writing right now, either. Seeing other people write has sort of sucked all the joy out of it for me.

These are just some of my feelings lately.

3 comments:

  1. yeah, i feel ya. i feel the same way about LA sometimes. no lake though! (oh wait, we do have an ocean.)

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  2. (an ocean close by, i should say)

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  3. I used to think trees talked to me too! I used to think a lot of inanimate objects talked to me that didn't. I wish all we had to do with our days was read and play and have discussions with flowers. All in a place other than Chicago.

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You are truly great.