Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tupac For the Whites

Welcome to the premier episode of my new series, TUPAC FTW. As we all know, Tupac Shakur--the late rapper and incredibly good-looking member of the male species--held the White Man very dear to his heart. Never one to skimp on admiration, Tupac made a career out of praising the brilliant judicial system created by the White Man in order to punish wrongdoers, regardless of race or income level. Tupac held a deep and unshakable belief that the White Man was a loving, intelligent, advanced specimen, the culmination of centuries of technological innovation and emotional maturation, and that the White Man always acted out of the goodness of his own heart and generous, open pocketbook.

What is not so well known is that Tupac actually wrote a series of songs designed to accompany his entire musical oevre, entitled So the White Man Will Know. This West Side icon knew that the White Man, despite all his advancements, was still charmingly clueless when it came to interpreting lines like "flossin' a Benz on rims that isn't stolen." And so he employed an age-old technique that the White Man has utilized since the beginning of time when presented with a conflict of interest:

He compromised. 

Here, rescued from the musty annals of time, is Tupac's first song off So the White Man Will Know, entitled "Imagine That I am Content." (You can listen to the original here. Oh, and you might need this.)

artist: Tupac
album: So the White Man Will Know
song: "Imagine that I am Content"

Yeah--is this camera on the right setting?
Why do you look upset, honey?
You should be happy that I got fired, now I'm free to pursue my dreams of opening up a DIY pottery shop!
Honey, you look like you wanted me to stay at that awful ad agency!

Imagine me, content in front of my $500 flatscreen TV,
I've got no love for my ex-coworkers, there's no need to be friends,
They've got me under surveillance, they think I was using my company card on a hooker,
I know somebody was, but it wasn't me! (Wink.)

Don't want to be another midlife crisis,
I'm on fifteen different prescriptions for blood pressure and I think I might be anemic,
The federals want to see me dead--what do you mean, I've always been a "paranoid impotent bastard?"
That's not nice!--anyway, I installed a new security system, and I feel a little better now.

Now that I'm unemployed, how will I live?
Will God--or Buddha, or Mohamed, I'm open to all religions, I'm a very spiritual person--forgive me for all the negative thoughts I let myself think about my receding hairline?
One life to live, it's so hard to be positive,
but I just saw Lady Gaga on The Ellen Show and she said she thinks five minutes of compassionate thoughts about herself every morning, so I might try that.

Mama, I put you in an expensive rest home, the world is a war zone,
my friends got promoted and/or divorced, and most of them are still dead wrong (when they say Sharon's having an affair)
I'm a little overweight, finally a man,
still scheming on ways to make some extra money--

Just imagine that I am content,
Driving a car with 5-star safety ratings and an affordable monthly payment plan.
My dreams are censored, my hopes are gone,
I'm like a chain smoker who notices the tax on cigarettes has been raised again. 
My nerves are a wreck, I have frequent heartburn, and my hands are swollen.
Is there medication for that?
Imagine me content.

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You are truly great.