Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Novels That I or Joyce Carol Oates May One Day Write

Beautiful, successful, GOTHIC.
Faithful subjects,

It has been brought to my attention that the world is crawling with people who are more wealthy, beautiful, and successful than I. This is why you've experienced such a dearth of hilarious content on my free government-funded made-possible-through-the-generosity-of-the-Macarthur Foundation website, Tori Dot Gov. WHY SHOULD I WRITE ANYTHING WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS MORE GENIUS?

In an effort to pull my drooping spirits up by their bootstraps, I have compiled a list of titles for all my future novels (if I ever get over my contagious disease called Why Would I Ever Want to Write a Novel When There's Shopping and Facebook). Unfortunately, Joyce Carol Oates, the freakishly prolific creepĆ¼rkind of the past 72 years, will probably snatch up a number of these titles before my lack of  talent hellishly busy schedule allows me to write them...

Old People and Ghosts

Dying: A Novel

Death: A Novel About Dying

Horror: A Novel

What is Happening to Me, Where Has My Life Gone?

It Will All Be O.K.: Seven Stories Full of Lies

Hot Girl and Tragic Downfall

Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth: A Love Story

Why Are You Following Me, Where Did You Come From?

Sexual Heeling: How Marvin Gaye Inspired Me To Become a Cobbler


  1. Don't you forget your creative non-fiction collaboration: The Art of the Home Invasion

  2. Haha! Joyce Carol Oates once sailed past me in Princeton, NJ, on a bike. And she was riding SIDESADDLE.

  3. Whaa--how is that even possible? Was someone else riding the bike, too? RENAISSANCE WOMAN!


You are truly great.