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Friday, June 10, 2011

Pleasant Ways to Respond to Those Who Hate

In a last-ditch attempt to float through life with the easy elegance of a Stephanie Meyer love scene, I have decided to alter the way I typically respond to the segment of society colloquially known as Haters.

Haters, n. people who interfere with your happiness, trample on your dreams with hobnailed boots, and rip large patches of hair (scalp attached) off your head when you're having the one good hair day that the Fates allow you every month.

In my gutter-wench days, I would respond to Haters thusly:

1. "WELL FUCK YOU TOO!"
2. "YOU HEARD ME, I CALLED YOU A PUSTULE! AN UGLY, INFLAMED PUSTULE!"
3. "MOM!"

But in an effort to be a lady--a lady who flings herself onto the nearest chaise lounge and cries in a rich, full-bodied voice--
I love him. Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich! I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit — because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?*
--(OH, STEPHANIE, THE ITALICS! YOU SLAY ME!)--I've changed my tactics. Now, when Haters come calling, I will respond graciously, expansively, with swan-like gestures. Like this:

1. "Good sir, may I carve out your eye with my knife?"

2. "Catch me, I'm fainti--" (whips out shank)

3. "Pardonnez-moi?" (infects with Black Plague) 

4. "Oh, this old thing? I only wear this lush, brocaded, peacock-skin ball gown when I don't care what I look like." (breaks neck with lightening-fast sleight of hand) 

*Quote taken from one of the Twilight books--I don't remember what they're all called. Half Dead? Starry Sparkle? Glitterface?

3 comments:

  1. "the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person"

    dripping with romance!

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  2. Your response to h8trz is appropriate and to be applauded.

    Also WOAH if you take the Stephanie Meyer quote out of context it is THAT MUCH MORE terrible.

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  3. That was an actual Twilight quote?? Hideous. Just hideous.

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.