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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Adjective Farm

HELLO WRITERS. Looking to ADD INCHES to your stories and MAXIMUM ENDURANCE to your poems? Want to BROWSE PHOTOS OF SINGLES ONLINE NEAR YOU and beef up your online profile with GORGEOUS, NATURAL-LOOKING descriptors? Visit Adjective Farm: the BEST QUALITY IMITATION online adjective provider--just a CLICK away!

"Festering"
Regular Price: $10
YOU PAY: $7
Recommended Use: The bold "Festering" pairs well with mad wives locked in attics, toenails, and the word "moist."

"Cantankerous"
Regular Price: $5
YOU PAY: $0.75
Recommended Use: Snag one for Grandpa just in time for those damn holidays.

"Coruscating"
Regular Price: $20
YOU PAY: $17
Recommended Use: Surely you know an amateur poet looking to describe the night sky as no one has ever described the night sky before!!!!

"Disastrous"
Regular Price: $3
YOU PAY: $2
Recommended Use: Slide the handy "Disastrous" between your emergency credit card and your fake I.D.

"Terrible"
Regular Price: $7
YOU PAY: $1
Recommended Use: Intended for literary editors and critics of Justin Timberlake's film oevre ONLY.

"Patronizing"
Regular Price: $30
YOU PAY: OUT OF STOCK
Recommended Use: Sorry, The New Yorker poetry section bought out the entire lot and gave 'em away to all their ethnically-diverse, calculatedly-casual, endearingly-navel-gazing poets.

"Endearingly-navel-gazing"
Regular Price: CUSTOM-MADE; MARKET PRICE
Recommended Use: Break this one out at cocktail parties. Available in greige, azure, and Instagram-hued.

2 comments:

  1. I said this before but I will say it again: You are a genius! This is marvelous. I like your new blog layout, too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That girl just saved sooooo much money

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.