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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Would Like to Be an Aunt


Dear Siblings,

I would like to be an aunt as soon as possible.

Why? Because I like cute babies. I really do. I’m pretty sure you’ll all have cute babies as long as you don’t marry someone truly hideous. I mean, look at us! Just eating some homemade popsicles, no big. We were so freaking cute. I was clearly the ugly one but WHATEVER. I would really like to have a baby on hand that I can squeeze and dress in cute headbands and toss around like a plump little basketball. I just don’t want that baby to be my baby, spitting up on my designer clothes, so that’s why I really really really want to be an aunt. I can give your baby writing lessons. I can read Neruda to him/her and guarantee that he/she will grow up to be an artistic young-old soul. You can pay me to babysit. I really love sea salt and vinegar potato chips oh and speaking of potato chips, the new Ben and Jerry’s flavor, Late Night Snack, is sooo good. You’ll want to keep your babysitter happy so that she doesn’t snap and toss your kid out the window.

PLEASE? I realize that I'm the oldest but I'm just not in the market for a baby. Darlings, please birth a cute baby soon so I can occasionally steal it and take it to the zoo and snap cute pictures of its chubby cheeks and then return it, hopefully unscathed, and forget all about it. If I take pictures of my boyfriend’s chubby cheeks one more time, he will probably have me killed.

My life is at stake here.

Thanks,

Your loving sister

P.S. I USED TO CHANGE YOUR F@#($*&(W*ING DIAPERS, BRO!

3 comments:

  1. iiii want a chubby niece!

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  2. I WANT ALLLLLLL OF THIS!

    ps, this: "I can read Neruda to him/her and guarantee that he/she will grow up to be an artistic young-old soul" is the greatest thing ever.

    I'd also really like some of close acquaintances (that's a thing, right?) to start getting married so I can have some place to wear fancy dresses.

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  3. YES. i want everybody i know to get married right now, i don't care if that's creepy, i desperately need some chiffon/open bars in my life.

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You are truly great.