Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Shattered Life Goals and a Brand-New Wardrobe

As you may have noticed from my last post, I've been thinking about starting an Etsy shop filled with vintage beauties. (Yes, vintage beauties. Well-preserved corpses, captured grandmothers, etc.) Why, you ask? And I reply: does a girl need a reason to fling her savings into a dubious and highly unprofitable career move? Not at all! I even went so far as to wrap a hanger in raffia in order to better photograph my clothes. That was a really fun night.

But then I realized that I don't want to start an Etsy shop after all, because people who have really great Etsy shops really know vintage, and I don't, and I refuse the clog up the slush pile of the universe with needlessness. Plus, I have better things to do, like secretly look through the Kim Kardashian Wedding Special People Issue Thing while standing in the checkout line and acting full of ennui.

What does this mean? This means I am stuck with the following items, which I MUST work into my wardrobe if I want to make all the money I spent worth it:

1. a pair of high-waisted green-and-white mom jean Gloria Vanderbilt shorts from the 80's.
2. a truly hideous shiny floral poncho...WITH MATCHING HAT.
3. a slinky blue green, cocaine-in-the-eighties velvet dress with an embellished neckline, perfect for someone who's "built with curves like the hull of a racing yacht"--unfortunately, that someone is not your faithful correspondent.
4. a voluminous yellow pirate shirt that makes my abnormally small head look like the head of a pin.
5. a rabid coonskin hat, still a-kickin'.
6. the skin of Ernest Hemingway.

One word comes to mind: haute.

Hey ya, I'm off to Vermont for some much needed crawdad huntin'. Those little critters shore taste good when you fry 'em up in a barrel of rum. They taste good and true. The light shone into the river and the stones at the bottom were bright but when he looked at them he felt a bad thought inside his head and he chose to put the bad thought away and instead focus on the stones at the bottom of the river. I DON'T KNOW, was that a good Hemingway impersonation? Okay, okay, I'm going!


  1. just when I think you can't get more amazing you admit to casually cruising the Kim K. People special and owning a lot of vintage that seemed like a good idea at the time but in retrospect was a very bad idea (I have two muumuus. TWO. WHY? Because one was colorful and the other came with a belt. They are now trapped in my closet. But I also always tend to overestimate myself and think I'll DIY the dresses and sew and hem them to fit me perfectly. IDK. end parentheses)

    Good Hemingway impression, the VT folks will be fooled. Have fun! AND WEAR THE VANDERBILT JEAN SHORTS! Those sound amazing. But, then again, don't listen to me: I have terrible vintage taste.

  2. ps, the "It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time" muumuus:

    (I'm still pretty obsessed with the blue one)

  3. GIRL. remember when i accidentally bought the Kim K. Official Honeymoon Issue for the plane ride home?!? oops.

    those muumuus are kind of amazing--i totally would have done the same thing. surely you can rock them with a belt or something? though the "i'll just belt this!!!!!" train of thought is exactly how most of my terrible vintage happened.


You are truly great.