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Saturday, September 17, 2011

Mastering the Art of the Subtle Creep


Faithful subjects, I have exhilarating news! My two favorite literary genres are about to be combined in something that the New York Times has already termed "a semi-greasy, semi-flaky, totally EDIBLE explosion of genius." Coming spring 2012, my self-help book-cum-memoir, Mastering the Art of the Subtle Creep, is being published by Knopf! Just look at that tasteful cover. Doesn't it make you want to sidle into a dark corner and mouth-breath heavily?

As a special favor to my nearest and dearest, I'm releasing two of my professionally curated creeping tips right here on this website, FREE OF CHARGE. Consider me your Virgil, guiding you through hell and purgatory of the Divine Creepedy. And please, don't be intimidated. Anyone can infuse their day-to-day life with a little extra creep, simply by utilizing my unbelievably accessible guidelines. Thank me later, folks--you've got CREEPING to do!

The Don't-Have-a-Pen?-Here,-Use-Mine Creep
Filed under: Extraneous Touching

While a normal man might offer a pen to a lady without a second thought, you see the opportunity for what it is: a chance to squeeze in a little excess skin-on-skin contact. Instead of handing your pen to her like one of those "normal people," place the pen in the palm of your open hand and hold it out to her. Remember to keep your fingers slightly curved, like a Venus Fly Trap, so that her hand is forced to brush against them as she picks up the instrument.

The My,-Aren't-These-Aisles-Tight Creep
Filed under: Extraneous Touching

Why take the center aisle when you can squeeze down the side aisle, brushing up against all manner of nubile young things as you shimmy toward the exit? Remember to spread both hands wide in an ostensible "So sorry to be pushing against you" gesture, when in reality, you're just increasing your groping odds. Don't forget to paste on a charmingly apologetic smile, but keep your lips closed, because nothing tastes as good as creeping feels.

(c) Mastering the Art of the Subtle Creep, Knopf 2012. More TK!

1 comment:

  1. we should actually write this together. i have one or two tips to file under the category "creeping harder than the drunk frat boy next to you."

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.