Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Every other twenty-something I know is just as existentially wracked as I am, so I guess I shouldn't feel bad about it. We're all trying to figure out "how to live." How to be kind without letting the bullshit of others overwhelm us. How to follow our passions without turning into one of those crazy authors who stalks me at book fairs and hands me her bright purple business cards and chirps, I'LL EMAIL YA! How to have a fabulous wardrobe full of designer clothes while living off nothing but canned chickpeas. How to drink champagne at champagne bars without being immediately shipped off to the poorhouse. How to get old men to become our sugar daddies without expecting sex or even conversation in return. How to destroy all who stand in our way. How to kill everyone else who thinks they "know" Fitzgerald so I'm the only one in the entire world who genuinely knows Fitzgerald. How to make Garcia Marquez come to Chicago and give me a private wedding reading. How to afford Intelligentsia coffee five times a week so I can get some f(*Q#$ing writing done. How to find people who are willing to be honest and generous with each other. How to not kill everyone I know. How to force my friends to move to the same city as me, a city called Atlantis. How to get more nineties hip-hop without paying for it now that Limewire got shut down. How to quote entire Tupac songs from memory without offending people and looking foolish. How to figure out which Nabokov novel I should read next because surely some are better than others and I can't possibly read everything in the world. How to write well. How to be a good girlfriend. How to be a good daughter. How to remember to call my grandparents. How to be a good friend despite the seemingly endless ways some of my friends let me down. How to get homeless people to leave us alone. How to get Neruda tattooed over every visible inch of my body. How to read the poetry of the Bible. How to get Botox because I have a wrinkle in my forehead dammit! How to stay in touch with my little sister before she is suddenly all grown up. How to decorate that blank wall over my bed. How to get my apartment featured in Vogue.  How to guarantee I never have an apartment with mice or cockroaches. How to find a Burberry trench at Village Discount (my beloved local thrift store). How to find role models. How to walk the fine line between charming semicynic and serial psychopath.


  1. this is just the best thing ever.


  2. if i agreed to over half of this stuff, does that make me weird?


You are truly great.