Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Random Kurt Cobain Magic Eight-Ball Answer Generator

Nirvana is and probably will always be my favorite band. I think Kurt Cobain is a truly great poet--not a songwriter-whose-lyrics-kinda-sound-like-poetry poet (Bob Dylan) but a legit, put-that-shit-in-stanzas-bitch poet. But that's a subject for another post. Basically, I love him and everything he has ever written. I'm wearing converse as I type this. But my purse is from Anthropologie. I'm a walking enigma.

The Nirvana oevre isn't terribly large, and as someone who's been listening to them for like 239rfh8 years, I am very familiar with the themes that haunted Cobain over and over. And today, I have compiled this knowledge into the world's first ever Random Kurt Cobain Magic Eight-Ball Answer Generator, because why not?

My patented answer-generating formula works by combining any or all of the following elements into a concise answer to the questions that wrack your black black soul:

Synonym of “moist”
Destruction of a gross/odd bodily function
A form of medicine, whether scientific or folk
Something related to fish

Shake it up, and out comes the answer! Example:

Curious Babe: Do I need to lose weight?
Random Kurt Cobain Magic Eight-Ball Answer Generator: The wet fish sucks away your warts in a bath of pennyroyal tea.

I put the Magic Eight-Ball Answer Generator to use answering a few of my more pressing questions:

Me: What does "chypre" mean?
Magic Eight-Ball: Antacids ooze down the drain of your cancerous mouth.
Me: Sweet. Should I move to a large but cheap European city next weekend?
Magic Eight-Ball: A moist Pisces is thinking about you right now. 
 Me: How romantic! Guess I'd better stick around. Am I getting enough vegetables?
Magic Eight-Ball: Rape your tumor and a soggy lungfish swims in circles.
 Me: Ugh, I know, I totally don't get enough Omega-3s. So as you know I'm writing a long story right now. Is it any good?
Magic Eight-Ball: Clammy bruised fruit displays its open sores.
 Me: Great title! Wow, this is really incredible. One last question: Are you ashamed of the fact that I work a 9-5, Kurt?
Magic Eight-Ball: Drown your eyeballs in the scaly poison. 
Me: Totally feeling you. At least it's Saturday, right?

If you'd like the Random Kurt Cobain Magic Eight-Ball Answer Generator to answer any of your questions, comments, concerns, or existential freakouts, let me know. It likes it. It's not gonna crack. Unless I drop it on the hardwood floor.


  1. Magic eight ball, answer me this: should i be sleeping with men or women?

  2. The ocean floor, littered with severed fingers, is your irriguous bedroom.


    Magic Eight-Ball


You are truly great.