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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Waambulence: Musings from the Desk of the Misunderstood Artiste

Hey ya, there is a difference between the following:

1. Lying
2. Telling the truth
3. Hyperbolizing
4. TOTALLY MAKING THINGS UP FOR FUN

It's not that hard, people! Unless you are an evil ice queen and I am taking you down in ways as slow and mysterious and painful as that Chinese torture thing where they slice you apart over the course of 1.5 hours (thanks, Hopscotch, I learned that from you), I am probably not lying to you. I am not a troubled teen or a psychotic reality TV fauxcelebrity. I am just me. A normal person. A normal person with mad typing skills who is a little bit sleep deprived right now and eating a muffin. I hate lying. It makes me feel squeamish.

I am telling the truth if I am looking at you sincerely over a cappuccino and words are coming out of my mouth. The coffee shop is a sacred space to me. Unless we're talking about that Starbucks on Lawrence that's full of homeless people.

I am hyperbolizing the truth if I'm talking about a real-life situation in hilarious, overdramatized terms (POLYGAMY. Leprosy. Sexual grandmothers.).

Some examples of #4: The time I interviewed Barack Obama.

The only reason I'm saying this is because a few weeks ago, as my boyfriend and I left Caffe Streets, the hairy barista gave me a look and I muttered, "He totally hates me." And then my boyfriend, the person who knows me better than anyone else in the entire world minus perhaps Pablo Neruda, said, "Tori, I think you take people's reactions a little too seriously. He doesn't actually hate you. And the guy at [coffee shop where my ex-husband works] doesn't hate you or love you. He's just awkward."

I was like, "CHARLIE! I WAS F@#*$(&DTING HYPERBOLIZING! DOES JAZZ TEACH YOU NOTHING ABOUT IMPROVISATION?"

No one understands me. I might as well have taken a draft from the Fountain of Youth when I was 17 because nothing has changed since then. Also, jazz is a TOTAL FRAUD.

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