Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Botox: Now Playing in a Theater Near You

If my life were a hilarious family-friendly movie that came out around Thanksgiving, there would be a scene where I got Botox (probably by mistake, or perhaps as a misguided attempt to conform to cultural standards of beauty in order to win back my high school boyfriend. Spoiler alert: by the end of the movie, the audience's perceptions of beauty have been flipped on their ignorant little heads! Spoiler alert #2: the message of the movie is that plastic surgery is more beautiful than natural beauty. HA!). Then, the following would happen:

I would try to eat cranberry sauce but it would slide down my face. Why? I'm not sure. I don't think Botox affects your mouth. All I know is that that always happens in movies.

My adorable young cousin Tyler would scream, "TORI'S BLEEDING FWOM HER MOUFS!" Tyler is a really interesting character, see. He's about 4 years old but possesses a solemnity about the birds and the bees that would be creepy if this were a horror movie. He spends hours playing with his GI Joes, contorting their plastic limbs and burying them under the birch tree at midnight.

Someone would say something sad ("GREAT-AUNT SANDRA JUST HIT THE BUCKET!") and I would be unable to make a sad face in response. I would make a shiny, unmoving face, like the face of Ozymandias. Look on my works, ye mighty, and don't forget to silence your cell phones.

Then a slimy guy would hit on me (twist: he's my stepbrother!) and would take my frozen face as encouragment. Hijinks would ensue, culminating in a one-liner like, "Gee, Jimmy, it's not you, it's Botulinum toxin!"

I would deliver a stirring monologue about the sickening gender politics taking place in the kitchen. My monologue would include the line, "Though Mother makes the turkey, Father doesn't even bring home the bacon!" It would be a funny pun, but after you laughed, you would feel dead inside, because of the underlying truth. During my monologue, I won't notice when someone throws a vat of boiling gravy in my face.

Finally, a criminal would burst through the front door, but my frozen face would stop all the bullets.

This movie sounds terrible. Please don't take your children, and please don't take Great-Aunt Sandra. I didn't even tell you about the scene with the ice pick (spoiler alert: IT'S MY BOTOXED NOSE).

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You are truly great.