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Friday, November 11, 2011

Some Thoughts on Beauty

Let's talk beauty.

What is beauty? Beauty is when you look at other people and think they look pretty. The generous glow that washes over your face: that is beauty.

Beauty is shanking other girls because they look better than you. Your face will get flushed from the exertion and guys will think, "Wow, she has such exuberant skin."

Beauty is when someone has better legs than you and so you cut their legs off. Now you have the best legs in the room! Boys like the first thing they see. So they'll be all, Hey, this girl is the only one with legs. Damn, her legs are great! Just make sure you're not holding on to the other girl's legs because the boys might see her legs first and like them better. Then you'll have to say, "Oh, these aren't mine."

If policemen come into the room, please don't worry about their legs. Their pants will be too unflattering.

Beauty is when you look in the mirror and then you turn off all the lights. Now that you can't see your own face, you can imagine another face. Isn't the glass so smooth and cold? Warning: you might get nightmares.

Here's another beauty tip: though psychiatric evaluation may make you angry and belligerent, please don't pull out all your hair. Hairs take a long time to grow back.

Beauty is when you walk into a club and all eyes are on you. Damn, girl. Yeah, you in the miniskirt with the dripping severed head clutched in one white-knuckled fist. If a boy asks you about the head, just tell him you're in a local production of Macbeth. He'll be like, damn girl, I've seen several local productions of Macbeth and the severed head at the end is always disappointingly unrealistic! It's hard to keep my suspension of disbelief going, you know? Damn, girl! You just knocked it out of the park, you feisty thespian!

2 comments:

  1. Hahaha! You make-a me laugh: "Just make sure you're not holding on to the other girl's legs because the boys might see her legs first and like them better. Then you'll have to say, "Oh, these aren't mine."

    ReplyDelete
  2. i like "exuberant skin" and "feisty thespian."

    ReplyDelete

You are truly great.