Monday, January 30, 2012

Declassifying the Creeper Elderly

Samuel Beckett: bleak, tragicomic, postmodernist playwright and novelist; sworn enemy of the Creeper Elderly; arguably a Creeper Elderly himself.
Working Definition: The Creeper Elderly conducts his or her illicit affairs under a halo of soft, white curls, an adorably stooped back, and a tendency to cup one wizened hand around his or her hearing aid and chirp, "Excuse me, dear?" Creeper Elderly should not be confused with members of the Beloved Grandparents genus, although a Creeper Elderly may appropriate certain characteristics of a Beloved Grandparent in order to win your heart or guilt you into paying attention to their stories.

Manic Tendencies: Should the Creeper Elderly get ahold of a Facebook page, a Twitter account, or--God forbid--an iPhone with texting capabilities, expect to receive updates from the Creeper Elderly far more often than you would from your friends.

Skulk-o-Meter: Do the Creeper Elderly skulk, or are they merely slow walkers? This question has been the subject of much anthropological debate over the years.

Economic Benefits: Befriending a Creeper Elderly is not as black and white as has been formerly insisted (see: Deconstructing the Hidden Pocketbook: Insider Trading and the Creeper Elderly of the '50s, 60's, and '70s.). While certain scholars insist that friendship with a Creeper Elderly operates on a strict 1-1 ratio (you listen to their stories, they give you money), the most deviant of the Creeper Elderly are stingy with their riches, hiding them in old shoes, beneath mattresses, and often burying them beneath their herb gardens (see: The Dirty Dollar: Hoarder Tendencies of the Wealthy and Ancient).

Fresh-Baked Cookies: Not always.

The Kennedy Assassination: Much speculation has been made about the assassination of former president John F. Kennedy. Creeper Elderly are known for collecting massive scrapbooks of newspaper clippings about the event, which has lead to a top-secret FBI file on the genus as a whole.

Nobel Buzz: In 1969, Bertram R. Sperry nominated an anonymous Creeper Elderly for the Nobel Prize for Literature, arguing that the novel-length collection of Christmas cards, captions for old photos, and to-do lists produced by this anonymous wordslinger demonstrated the "rare combination of the qualities of both heart and intellect" that characterized the very first Nobel in Literature given to French poet and philosopher Sully Prudhomme. That year's Nobel was given to Samuel Beckett instead, an act which led Sperry to denounce the Nobel Committee as "ageists and luddites, all of ye!" Some have theorized that this "anonymous" Creeper Elderly was actually Sperry himself, but Nobel documents are kept secret for 50 years, so scholars of the genus wait for the year 2019 with bated breath.

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