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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Register Now for "Unbelievable Failures! The True Stories of Young People Who Suck at Life."

My alma mater just sent me a charming email, encouraging me to register for an event called Successful Startups: The Back Stories of Forward Thinkers. "Hell to the no!" I cried in a voice that resonated throughout seven states, several of which still hold fast to outdated laws such as "it is illegal to whistle underwater" and "speeding tickets blah blah" (I zoned out when the policeman was talking to me and then I punched him and sped away on my Vespa). In the spirit of protest upon which this great country was founded, I have started my OWN event, celebrating that wondrous tie that binds us all together: UNBELIEVABLE FAILURE. I hope all of you who have not founded an internet empire by the age of 23 will join me.

Join the Macarthur Foundation and Tori Dot Gov for a panel discussion of incredible losers and jaw-dropping idiots who have failed to make a name for themselves and sometimes avoid paying taxes! Whether you're a waitress, a homeless person, or a rich kid who simply doesn't see the need to work a 9-5 and is thisclose to being disowned by your family, this dynamic panel of hopeless failures is sure to make you feel better about yourself!

Attendees Will:
- Hear the exciting narratives of unprepared idiots who thought the only prerequisite to dazzling success was dropping out of college! Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
- Learn what effective businesspeople in diverse industries DON'T have in common with you!
-Have an opportunity to network with the catering staff! ONE LUCKY ATTENDEE scores a one-on-one interview with Rhoda, our fabulous janitor!

Schedule:
6pm-6:45pm: Check In & Networking Reception (Drinking fountain available)
6:45pm-8:00pm: Entrepreneur Panel Discussion (Private event--please do not attempt to join)
8:00pm-9:00pm: Networking Reception (Dress code: whatever. Please, no nudity--hospital gowns are available for those who cannot afford clothes.)

Panelists:
Tony McDonald, Homeless Person, Author of The Aliens are Invading from Russia and Gorillas Kidnapped my Girlfriend.
Jane Pearson, Cocktail Waitress, Ph.D. candidate '97 until she had her nervous breakdown and found that her insurance didn't cover therapy.
Jefferey Eugenideez, Professional Bike Rider, posts a poem-a-day on his blog, readership: 4.  
Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook. (PLEASE NOTE: This panel is for successful people ONLY. Please do not attend this panel or you will be escorted out of the room and we doubt anyone will care if you simply 'disappear.')

REGISTER NOW FOR "UNBELIEVABLE FAILURES!" on December 21, 2012 (because when the world ends--we're ALL failures).

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You are truly great.