Monday, February 27, 2012

Hangover Cures

Turn that hangover into a hangunder.

Swiftly strike your thumb with a large mallet.

Cut off a toe.

Run really fast into moving traffic.


Eat something raw. Something still alive.

Jump in place until you collapse from exhaustion.

Watch a really bad movie while giving yourself bangs with a chainsaw.

Go streaking.

Eat an icicle in one bite.

Learn a new language. (It's helpful to set goals: do it in twenty minutes.)

Throw things into the air and try to get beneath them when they fall.

Kiss the next person you see on the street. Chase them if necessary.

Befriend a minor celebrity.

Take photos of things you don't own, like other photos. Sell them.

Take the covers off textbooks for HTML, Calculus, and Hebrew. Try to determine which is which!

Read Lolita aloud in a creepy voice.

Look unattractive and sit next to a cute Frenchman at a coffee shop. (Currently doing.)

Try to poke things near, but not in, your eyeballs.

Heard of “hair of the dog?” Two words: actual dog hair. (Counting is hard right now.)

Random anecdote from my life: last night I put two pieces of pizza in the oven and forgot about them. In the middle of the night, I woke up to the sound of smoke detectors. My carbon monoxide detector was also bugging out, and my apartment was filled with thick gray smoke. Like any rational human being, I yanked the smoke detector off the wall and went outside and threw across my backyard and against the brick wall of the building behind my apartment. It shattered. It also stopped shrieking. Then a bunch of firemen showed up and took the pizza out of the oven. Meanwhile, I WASN'T WEARING PANTS. THIS IS A TRUE STORY! THAT'S WHY I'M EATING TWO BAGELS RIGHT NOW! Please leave me alone.

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations, you've succeeded in making me laugh out loud whilst I'm alone. I hope you didn't look too unattractive next to the nice French man. And I hope you've learnt your lesson with the pizzas!


You are truly great.