Sunday, February 19, 2012

How to Attract Men at Coffee Shops

Everyone is whining about the demise of literature but listen: men go crazy for girls who are reading thick novels or typing away on their laptops while drinking coffee. I don't understand it! Do you think that girls who read and write are smarter or something? More sensitive to the human condition, and thus better equipped to handle your fragile male psyche with lovely slender fingers designed to cradle young children and select the freshest and most exotic fishes at the fishmarket?

No, no, no, no, no!

Girls who read are crazy! Girls who write are even worse. For example, about ten minutes ago, my friend (a female writer) just yelled the following non sequitur:


A few minutes later we had the following conversation:

Me: “He makes perfume out of...”
Her: “BLOOD?”

Men at coffee shops, why do you think that we are your soulmates? Don't be distracted by how hot it is when a girl reads something cool. Listen to our words. Read our lips. We are talking about death and destruction! We are making jokes about fascism! We are creepers. Also: eff off, we don't want to get hit on, we're trying to get some work done here. YES THIS BOOK IS GOOD. THAT'S WHY I'M READING IT. NO I DO NOT KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

In my experience, South American male writers tend to attract the most men. 2666 is like male catnip. Don't read Marquez on public transportation or you will be mobbed with offers of marriage, and let me tell you, even the most gorgeous Tiffany's diamond hurts when a rabid, literature-starved businessman throws it directly at your eyeball. I can't even imagine how much girls who read David Foster Wallace get hit on. I can smell Old Spice, just thinking about it.


  1. It might interest you to know, Tori, that I spent a good deal of my last Chicago summer in Metropolis reading a huge, hugely obnoxious collection of Milton, which you'd think would make everyone's dick fall off, but no! I could like, smell the sex vibes I was getting. It was awesome! Once a boy even threw his number at me in a paper airplane. Justifying the ways of God to men = SKEET SKEET SKEET!

  2. HAAAAAA! Milton, you underratedly erotic fox!

  3. i feel this title could be an entire blog in itself with correspondents from various cities...cough cough wink wink...

  4. As soon as men realise these "goddesses" are devoid of any sense of joy and playfulness, they give up. It's just not worth the effort.

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  5. Everyone wants to be around someone who is happy, and you can show others your happiness by smiling. This translates into your relationship as well, because if he can see how happy you are with him, that happiness will be infectious.

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You are truly great.