Saturday, February 11, 2012

How to Tell if Your Friends Think You're a Serial Killer

Insecurity: the plague of our overly-self-aware post-postmodern times. How many of us have shivered beneath a pile of blankets, listening to the wind keening through the eaves and wondering what our friends really think of us? How many of us have collapsed under doubts of our own self-worth, frothing at the mouth as we scream, "Will anybody love me for me?" And how many of us have bitten our fingernails to the nub while the tears pour down our faces like blackened rain, asking ourselves that difficult, age-old question: "Does everybody think I'm a serial killer?"

Have I got a treat for you! Here are some easy ways to tell if your friends think you're a serial killer.

Do they pretend to be deaf when you ask to meet their cute friends?

Do they give you strange looks when you mention doing your laundry in the basement?

Do you overhear conversations that go like this?:
"I want another beer."
"Me too. Grab me one?"
"No, can you grab me one?"
"I don't want to open the fridge first."
"I don't want to open the fridge first!"
When you recount tales of loves lost, do they ask, "So wh-what's he doing th-these d-days?"

Do they always, always, ALWAYS agree with you?

When they spill red wine on your pristine white sofa, do they chuckle nervously and say, "Don't kill me!"? And then do you hear another friend whisper, "Bleach will hide a whole lot of stains. A who-o-ole lot of stains..."?

Do they always arrive and leave in pairs?

When you visit, do they take you on a tour of their karate trophies, pointing out their multiple black belts and saying things like, "God help the fool that ever tries to break in and murder me! HAHAHA!"

Do you suspect that they have children--after all, there was that stray teddy bear behind the couch, those Cheerios strewn across the rug, the ghostly sound of pattering feet upstairs--but are never able to get them to 'fess up about it?

Do they panic when they get papercuts or hangnails around you, as though the scent of blood will drive you wild, like a shark?

When you say, "I'm just trying to get ahead," do they scream, "WHAT?"

When you say, "Something is afoot," do they scream, "WHERE?"

If you answer "yes" to more than one question...
...that's totally fine!
No judgment here!


  1. "Do they panic when they get papercuts or hangnails around you, as though the scent of blood will drive you wild, like a shark?"

    ...or edward cullen.

  2. Excellent list. I laughed out loud a couple of times because now I'm seriously starting to wonder if my friends think I'm a serial killer.
    I sweat I'm not... probably.

  3. Do they always arrive and leave in pairs... Hmmm, damn.


You are truly great.